If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
