my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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