remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
