I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
