You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
