if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
