tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize