Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
