oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
