god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
