i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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