dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
