It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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