Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
