take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
