More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
