The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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