Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
