Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
