He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
