Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
