I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
