Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
