I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
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Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
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when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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