I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
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Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
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My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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