i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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