U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
