i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
