Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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