"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm too high and old for this...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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