i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
this will be a night to untag.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
