Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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