Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
