Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
