matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
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That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
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No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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