she woke up with a sticky ear
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
