Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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