This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
