I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Houston, we have a squirter
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
