I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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