i always forget guys have bellybuttons
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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