I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
