i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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