I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
