The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
we're so committed to being not committed
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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