textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
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i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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