FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
