Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
