He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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