She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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