I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
