can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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