I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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