I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Randomize
