She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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