He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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