If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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