Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
