I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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