I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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