Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
