well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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