I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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