Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's shark week go big or go home
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
